Because Telling Myself That Nothing Matters Is Nothing But A Lie.

It's Been Some Time. Exams Are Finally Over. And The Holidays Are Here. But Holidays Have Been Quite Boring So Far.

I've Always Been Wasting My Life. But For The First Time, I Actually Feel It. In Every Single Thing I'm Doing. Nothing Feels Right. They Don't Feel Wrong Either.

These Few Days Have Just Been Insane. I'm Cooking So Often, And Doing The Housework Voluntarily. Even My Parents Think Something Is Wrong With Me. Because Usually I'm Just Too Lazy. But For Me, Since I'm Just Wasting My Time Doing Nothing, Then I Might As Well Do Something And Let My Parents Relax And Enjoy Their Weekends.

Wouldn't Say My Cooking Skills Are Absolutely Amazing But I'm Sure They've Improved Significantly. Have Been Practicing So Much Lately. Guess Every Thing Just Needs Practice. Well Maybe Not.

...

Met Up With Friends. Mahjong, Poker, Pool, Karaoke And Many More. Just Fun, Fun And Lots Of Fun. Trying To Make Myself Laugh, Watching Variety Shows, Funny Movies And Just Simply Anything You Can Or Can't Think Of.

But For What? Just To Hide How Sad I Really Am Inside? It's Tough. I Finally Found A Way To Stay Away From All These. Hopefully They Will All Be Gone One Day. But Who Knows When That Day Will Come. But At Least, It's Good To See You Happy.

It's Good Anyway. Because I've Made Up My Mind. No Turning Back For Me.

As I Move On, I Toss This Thing Called "Love" Into The Trash, Along With My Feelings. Something That No Longer Exist In My Dictionary.

But There's Still One Thing On My Mind. I've Made A Promise. And I Don't Intend To Break It. But I Haven't Thought Of How I'm Going To Honour It In My Current Situation. Guess I'll Have To Wait.

其实，有一种爱叫做放手。我只想说，我做到了。

命中有时终需有

命中无时到底无

If Only Food Have Feelings.

Thursday Was Supposed To Be Another Buffet For Me This Week. But Super Long Queue At Momiji Because Of The One For One Promotion. Ended Up Eating The Super Delicious Char Kwaaaay Teow And Oyster Omelette At The Hawker Center Along Balestier Road Which Eventually Resulting In Me Having A Really Rough Night.

Threw Up For 2 Hours. Worst Ordeal Of Vomiting In My Life. Feeling Giddy And All. Even Today I Still Feel Weak And Don't Really Have Any Appetite, Which Means No Good Food Till I've Recovered Which Sucks.

~~~

It's Over I Guess. And I Actually Asked Myself For The Last Time, How Much Was I Willing To Do For You? To Send You Home Everyday From School. It's 2 AM In The Morning, I'm Willing To Deliver Food To Your House If You're Hungry. And The Best, I Wanted To Leave It For The Last. But Guess It Doesn't Really Matter Anymore.

Letting Go. Because It's The Last Thing You Asked From Me. And It's The Only Thing That I Can Do To Lessen The Pain And Guilt I've Caused You. Not Because I Could Find Someone Better. And Not That It Matters.

I'll Just Let My Creativity Fall Back To Where It Belongs. Probably Bury It In A Secluded Isolated Place Where No One Else Can See Or Feel. I'll Just Be The Usual Boring Me Like Always. (:

~~~

Probably Keep My Mind Occupied These Days. Exams Are Coming. Got To Work Hard! =) Looking Forward To The Super Long Holidays. Probably Look For A Job And There's Taiwan Trip. Wheeeeee.

Time To Be A Robot.

痛算什么

快乐又算什么

我什么都不知道

If Only Running Could Solve Problems.

Oh Yea. I Mean Like I Used To Run Almost Every Single Day. I Can Run Literally Every Single Day. My Friends Think I'm Fast. Well Me? I Started Running Since 9. And Till Now, I Was Never Faster Than Back Then. Because No Matter How Fast I Go, I Can't Seem To Run From My Problems. The Problems Are Like My Shadow And How Is It Possible For Me To Outrun My Shadow.

So We Got To Face It. We Can Delay, We Can Drag For Some Time, But Not Forever. And So..

Anyway Monday Was Great. Had Buffet At Chiso Zanmai @ Clarke Quay.

And I Overheard My Uncles And Aunties Talking About Heredity. And Now Everything Makes Sense. Because I Think I've Got It Too. And Yet I'm Just Trying My Best To Ignore It. Because How Can I Even Accept It. No One Will Understand How Much It Affects Me. If It's Any Other Normal Person That Has It, Then It'll Probably Be Okay. But Me? Nah. I Can't Even Tell My Parents. Because I Don't Want To Stop..

It's The Only Thing That Makes Me Feel Like I'm Alive.

And All I'm Betting On Is That It's A Reaction Due To An Allergy.

Because If It's Not, Then Seriously.

Fuck 
My
Life

Maybe It's Just My Karma.

I Made An Unforgivable Mistake. Karma Strikes Back. I Deserve It.

我怎么狠心

让你难过

我怎么能不内疚

难过的理由是我

We All Have Our Fears We Don't Wish To Face. But How Long Can We Run From Them?

I've Been Questioning Myself Just Who The Hell Am I?

And I've Gotten My Answer. 

A Jerk

How Could I Have Bare To Say Those Things. All I've Been Waiting For Was For Us To Face What's Right In Front Of Us. To Face Reality. 

I'm Sure The Pain You're Feeling Right Now. Definitely Many Times Worst Then Me. Because For Once I Took A Look At It From A Different Perspective. And For Once, I Saw A Loophole. A Loophole To Your Heart. One You Never Showed Anyone But Just Me.

It's Ironical Isn't It. It's Not Even Supposed To Make Any Sense. I'm The One Trying To Stop The Pain When I'm The One Who Caused It. Just How Much Did I Owe You In My Past Life? Would I Even Be Able To Repay My Debts.

But I Failed So Hard. It's Time I Reflect On Myself. What A Piece Of Crap I'm Made Off. I Think Worst. But I Got To Make Up For It. Now Isn't Time To Give Up On Someone Who Seems To Have Given Up On Herself. I Need To Try Harder Than This.

And I Will.

从不同角度

观看一样的东西

你会有新的体会

Do You Believe In The Leap Of Faith? One Last Attempt At The Stars You Cannot Reach?

What's Bothering Me All This While. I've Thought About It. I'm Not Willing To Let It Go. I'm Not Willing To Just Walk Away. But I Got To. I Can Never Be Prepared For Such A Thing. But Still. I Need To Prepare Myself. Brace Myself From The Impact.

No Doubt. I'm Gonna Change After Everything. I'm Sure I Will. I'm Gonna Change So Much Even I Won't Recognise Myself. But Well, "I'll Change For The Better".

Because.

The Leap Of Faith.

That's What I'm Gonna Take.

Taking Your Chances. Your Either Do Or Die.

Imagine A Lion Chasing You Till You're At The End Of The Cliff And The Next Cliff Is A Hundred Meters Away. Would You Give Up? Or Would You Take Your Chances And Leap, Wishing For A Miracle? And Even If You Survived, I'm Sure You Would've Most Probably Suffered Serious Injuries.

I Figured That's The Only Way To End All My Suffering. Because The Only Way To Get Over It Is To Face It. Feel It. Bury Yourself In It. Get Used To It. And Soon, You'll Be Fine With It.

And I Doubt I'll Ever Find Someone Worthy Of Me To Go To The Extend And To Put In That Much Effort, To Care So Much For, Even When All We Were, We're Just Friends. 

Things In Life That I'll Only Do ONCE. 

Because ONCE IS ENOUGH.

And Let's Be Honest. I Had Enough. 

And I Really Really Hate It When Someone Uses Sorry In Place Of Another Word. I Mean If You Do Nothing Wrong And You Apologise, It Really Makes You Weak. You Think You Sound Polite But Use It Too Many Times And It Loses It's Meaning.

也许这次的结局

已经注定了

我跟你只是

有缘无份

Silent, Yet Deafening.

Barely Talking These Days. Barely Socialising. Barely Using Social Medias.

Haven't Ran For A Month And Finally Today, I Decided, Maybe Running Should Help. It Was Supposed To Like Always. Then I Started Running, My Mind Was Peaceful And My Breathing Slow, Calm, But Weak With A Relatively Quick Pace. It Helped While I Was Running Until I Stopped At A Traffic Light And All Of A Sudden, I Found Myself Choking And Gasping For Air. My Head Was A Giddy And Vision Blurred.

Then I Realised Somehow, I Was Controlling And Holding My Breathing During The Run. And The Choking Is When My Body Realised It Cannot Go On Without Oxygen Any Longer And Hence That Reaction. But What Actually Crossed My Mind At That Point Of Time?

As Usual, Strolled To The Fitness Corner With A Heavy Heart. On A Supposingly Lonely Night, I Looked Up Into The Skies. I See Stars. Countless Stars. I Felt Like I Could Just Talk And Relate To Them On A Quiet And Calm Night Like This. And Since They Blink, I'll Take That As A Reply, A Respond To The Countless Questions That Is Running Through My Mind.

And What Really Surprised me Was That As I Was Sitting All Alone On The Bench, A Cat Actually Strolled Up To Me And Rubbed It's Fluffy Back And Head Against My Leg And Laid Down In Front Of Me. (': It Made Me Felt Like Someone Actually Knew How I'm Feeling Right Now. I Wasn't Alone. It Was Amazing Isn't It? Even Animals Can Sense Human Beings Emotions.

I Just.. Have To.. Maybe.. Endure Abit Longer.. And I'll Get Used To It..

爱

是

不由

自主

Self Destruct.

Don't Even Know How To Start.

Bottled Everything For So Long. Disappointment. Sadness. Stress. Anger. Negativity. It's Just Pure Darkness Inside Me. I Got No Idea How. Maybe I'm Used To It. Not Showing Anything. I Don't Even Know What Is Happiness Anymore And I Barely Have Time To Do Any Volunteering Which Makes Me Truly Happy. Donating Is Like The Norm, Doesn't Brighten Up My Day Like It Used To Anymore. It's More Of A Habit.

I Like To Be Dependable. But What I Just Don't Understand About Some People Is How They Can Just Laze Their Ass Off And Always Depend On Others When You're Not Even Helping Yourself. It's Not Like You Are Handicap. And It's Not Like You Are My Girlfriend Or My Best Friend Or A Close Friend. Cause Even The Friends I Have Listed, They Give And Take. It's Mutual. You Take Too, Well. Take Advantage Of People.

It's True. I'm Nice. I Don't Show When I'm Unhappy. I Don't Want To Create Trouble. I Don't Say And That Is The Reason Why I Keep Hurting Myself. If I Say And Peer Evaluate You Down, I'll Hurt Myself Too Cause I'll Feel Bad That You Are Probably Gonna Fail That Module. So, What Am I Even Supposed To Do?

So Many Many Stuff Happening Right Now All I Know Is That Not Doing Anything Or Doing Something, I Still Feel Like Shit.

And To Be Really Honest, All I Feel Like Doing Right Now, Is To Self Destruct. Yes. SELF DESTRUCT. Instead Of Just Melting Away Slowly Day By Day. I Wish I Could. I Wish There's A Button Right Now That Does Just That.

*Press*

*Booooooooom*

我想要学会

自我催眠

痛觉会少一些