Do You Believe In The Leap Of Faith? One Last Attempt At The Stars You Cannot Reach?

What's Bothering Me All This While. I've Thought About It. I'm Not Willing To Let It Go. I'm Not Willing To Just Walk Away. But I Got To. I Can Never Be Prepared For Such A Thing. But Still. I Need To Prepare Myself. Brace Myself From The Impact.

No Doubt. I'm Gonna Change After Everything. I'm Sure I Will. I'm Gonna Change So Much Even I Won't Recognise Myself. But Well, "I'll Change For The Better".

Because.

The Leap Of Faith.

That's What I'm Gonna Take.

Taking Your Chances. Your Either Do Or Die.

Imagine A Lion Chasing You Till You're At The End Of The Cliff And The Next Cliff Is A Hundred Meters Away. Would You Give Up? Or Would You Take Your Chances And Leap, Wishing For A Miracle? And Even If You Survived, I'm Sure You Would've Most Probably Suffered Serious Injuries.

I Figured That's The Only Way To End All My Suffering. Because The Only Way To Get Over It Is To Face It. Feel It. Bury Yourself In It. Get Used To It. And Soon, You'll Be Fine With It.

And I Doubt I'll Ever Find Someone Worthy Of Me To Go To The Extend And To Put In That Much Effort, To Care So Much For, Even When All We Were, We're Just Friends. 

Things In Life That I'll Only Do ONCE. 

Because ONCE IS ENOUGH.

And Let's Be Honest. I Had Enough. 

And I Really Really Hate It When Someone Uses Sorry In Place Of Another Word. I Mean If You Do Nothing Wrong And You Apologise, It Really Makes You Weak. You Think You Sound Polite But Use It Too Many Times And It Loses It's Meaning.

也许这次的结局

已经注定了

我跟你只是

有缘无份

Silent, Yet Deafening.

Barely Talking These Days. Barely Socialising. Barely Using Social Medias.

Haven't Ran For A Month And Finally Today, I Decided, Maybe Running Should Help. It Was Supposed To Like Always. Then I Started Running, My Mind Was Peaceful And My Breathing Slow, Calm, But Weak With A Relatively Quick Pace. It Helped While I Was Running Until I Stopped At A Traffic Light And All Of A Sudden, I Found Myself Choking And Gasping For Air. My Head Was A Giddy And Vision Blurred.

Then I Realised Somehow, I Was Controlling And Holding My Breathing During The Run. And The Choking Is When My Body Realised It Cannot Go On Without Oxygen Any Longer And Hence That Reaction. But What Actually Crossed My Mind At That Point Of Time?

As Usual, Strolled To The Fitness Corner With A Heavy Heart. On A Supposingly Lonely Night, I Looked Up Into The Skies. I See Stars. Countless Stars. I Felt Like I Could Just Talk And Relate To Them On A Quiet And Calm Night Like This. And Since They Blink, I'll Take That As A Reply, A Respond To The Countless Questions That Is Running Through My Mind.

And What Really Surprised me Was That As I Was Sitting All Alone On The Bench, A Cat Actually Strolled Up To Me And Rubbed It's Fluffy Back And Head Against My Leg And Laid Down In Front Of Me. (': It Made Me Felt Like Someone Actually Knew How I'm Feeling Right Now. I Wasn't Alone. It Was Amazing Isn't It? Even Animals Can Sense Human Beings Emotions.

I Just.. Have To.. Maybe.. Endure Abit Longer.. And I'll Get Used To It..

爱

是

不由

自主

Self Destruct.

Don't Even Know How To Start.

Bottled Everything For So Long. Disappointment. Sadness. Stress. Anger. Negativity. It's Just Pure Darkness Inside Me. I Got No Idea How. Maybe I'm Used To It. Not Showing Anything. I Don't Even Know What Is Happiness Anymore And I Barely Have Time To Do Any Volunteering Which Makes Me Truly Happy. Donating Is Like The Norm, Doesn't Brighten Up My Day Like It Used To Anymore. It's More Of A Habit.

I Like To Be Dependable. But What I Just Don't Understand About Some People Is How They Can Just Laze Their Ass Off And Always Depend On Others When You're Not Even Helping Yourself. It's Not Like You Are Handicap. And It's Not Like You Are My Girlfriend Or My Best Friend Or A Close Friend. Cause Even The Friends I Have Listed, They Give And Take. It's Mutual. You Take Too, Well. Take Advantage Of People.

It's True. I'm Nice. I Don't Show When I'm Unhappy. I Don't Want To Create Trouble. I Don't Say And That Is The Reason Why I Keep Hurting Myself. If I Say And Peer Evaluate You Down, I'll Hurt Myself Too Cause I'll Feel Bad That You Are Probably Gonna Fail That Module. So, What Am I Even Supposed To Do?

So Many Many Stuff Happening Right Now All I Know Is That Not Doing Anything Or Doing Something, I Still Feel Like Shit.

And To Be Really Honest, All I Feel Like Doing Right Now, Is To Self Destruct. Yes. SELF DESTRUCT. Instead Of Just Melting Away Slowly Day By Day. I Wish I Could. I Wish There's A Button Right Now That Does Just That.

*Press*

*Booooooooom*

我想要学会

自我催眠

痛觉会少一些

What Words Simply Cannot Describe.

These Days Have Been Really Hectic. Submission Of Projects And More Presentations To Come The Next And Following Weeks. Got To Just Endure It. Another One And A Half Months To The Long Holidays.

So Thankful As Always For My BFF And His Mum. Last Thursday's Steamboat Was Really So Delicious I Love It. And It's Something I Usually Don't Get To Have Unless On Special Occasions And My Mum Doesn't Prepare It Too. And It's Like We Are Really On Good Terms. I Feel Like She Treats Me Like A God Son. I Feel Really Really So Touched. And It Just Makes Me Feel I'm Even Luckier To Have Such A Friend. Definitely My Best.

Got So Much To Say As Usual. But Guess It's Pointless. No One Really Cares And Even If They Do, They Won't Understand. I Guess That's Why We Usually Don't Bother Explaining Some Of Our Problems To Others. Not Like They Can Solve It And It's Better To Just Live On With It Like Always.

Knew It From The Start. Hope It Will Change. Guess It Never Will.

不说了

不做了

不管了

结束了

这就是结局吗

Adapting To Time. That's Life.

So Many Things Running Through My Mind.

Today Was ACM Fun Trail. Was Really Awesome. Elated because My Group Came In First! Definitely One Of The Most Enthusiastic Batch of Year 1's. And Finally Had Cafe Pal's Green Milk Tea. Best Milk Tea In The World. Simply Unique Blend Of Decent Quality Tea Leaves With Milk. Love It.

Most Of The Time We Think, We Believe, We Feel That We Actually Have Power And Control Over Our Own Lives. But Look Around You And Just Look At Yourself. Do You Really Have Full Control Of Your Life. Do You Think You Can Go In The Direction Of Your Dreams And Make It Reality?

Having Full Control Of Our Lives, Is To Me, Nothing But An Illusion In This Society. Why Do I Say So? Do You Have Control Over Who You Fall In Love With? Do You Have Control Over Who Affects You And What's Affecting You? Do You Have Control Over Your Feelings And Let's Say Someone Agitates You And You Are Absolutely Sure You Won't Flare Up? Do You Have Control Over Your Own Time? Do You Always Have Control When Your Parents Interfere With Your Decisions? Think About It Carefully And Sure Enough Your Answers Are No.

At Least For Time, Maybe Some Will Think, Why Do I Not Have Control Over My Time. Let's Say You Have Homework To Finish Up And You Just Go About Doing It. You Expect To Finish It In One Hour But Because There Was One Question You Were Stuck At And You Had To Ask Around And In The End Spent 2 Hours Finishing That Piece Of Work. Under Unexpected Circumstances Which Happens All The Time, Time Is Definitely Something We Can't Always Control But Rather Adapt To The Situation And Figure Out The Best Solution With The Amount Of Time We Have In Reality.

And To Be Honest, In This Society, Aren't Most Of Us The Slaves To Our Phones And All The Social Medias. Almost Everyone Is Hooked To It.

So Since We Have Limited Control Over Our Lives, Means More Or Less Everything That Happens Is Destined In One Way Another. Okay Let Me Give Another Example. Let's Say I Help My Friend With A Project He Was Trying To Finish Last Minute And He Managed To Finish It. He Was Happy That Day So On His Way Home, He Saw A Beggar Along The Road. He Gave Him A Five Dollar Note, Smiled And Left. The Beggar Was Happy As He Had Sufficient Money That Day To Feed His Sick Parents And So Headed Home Early. He Saw A Blind Man And Guided Him Across The Road. A Passerby Saw This Act And Was Touched And Gave The Beggar A Bag Of Apples And Etc. The Story Goes On. This Is Known As The Snowball Effect As Well. If You Do Something Bad, Everything Could Go On Bad From There As Well.

Yes. There Is A Way To Have Full Control Over Your Own Life. Go And Be A Monk. Stay Out Of Society. Live Life In Seclusion And Isolation. That's The Only Way You'll Not Be Affected By Others.

Therefore, Everything In Our Lives Are Linked One Way Or Another. Our Minds React To Certain Circumstances Based On Our Experience. Which Explains Why Different People React Differently To The Same Situation Because No Two Person Have The Same Experience. This Is Basically What Learning SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGY Has Did To Me.

Blame It.

你要做的不是尝试改变命运

是接受命运给你的一切

随机应变

接受挑战