And I Was Like Thinking, It's All Hopeless. I Think I Know Why No Matter What I Do, I Do Not Have Confidence In Myself. I Look Down On Myself, What I'm Capable Of, Thought It Doesn't Apply To Running Because That's What I Really Feel Very Passionate And Confident About. That's What That Keeps Me Going On Even With The Overwhelming Amount Of Stress.
When My Father Saw My Report Book, He Threw It Onto The Ground And Immediately Ran Me Down. I Can't Be Bothered To Explain. Explaining Seems So Tired. It's A Totally Different Kind Of Feeling Being Run Down By Your Own Biological Father. Oh! Failed 3 Subjects. CA1 Failed 1, SA1 Failed 2, CA2 Failed 3? Isn't There Something Wrong? Din't You Realise That? You Can Simply Compare My Secondary 2 Results And Secondary 3 Results. A Huge 'Improvement', Since You Started Putting Pressure On Me. You're Never Satisfied With My Grades. The More Pressure You Put On Me, The More I Can't Perform And Do Well. I Work Best In A Stress-Free Environment. I Don't Know Why You Can't See That I'm Working Thrice As Hard In Secondary 3 But My Results Show Otherwise. My Job Is To Study And I'm Trying My Best. You Say As If I Like To Fail. You Don't Encourage Me As A Father But Run Me Down.
In Primary School, I Am Always So Confident, Ready To Face Any Challenges Ahead And I'm Hardworking And Never Fail To Take Initiative Helping People And Also In My Studies. When I'm Confident, Everything Seems Different. How Do You Explain That I Don't Study And Get 242 For My PSLE? I'm So Confident In Myself That I Know I Need Not Study To Get Decent Grades. But Do You See It Now? I Used To Feel So Motivated To Do Well Even Without Studying, But Now, Even With Studying, I Don't Feel A Single Bit Motivated And Confident. Now You See The Difference? The Most Important Thing Now Is To Try And Find My Confidence And Courage Back. I'm Desperately In Need Of It. No One Understands. I Seriously Can't Predict Where My Studies Will End Up. Even My Father Thinks It Hopeless By Saying This: 'Now Fail 3? End Of Year Fail All Is It?' I Wondered If I Will. But I Know It's Impossible. I Am Doing And Really Trying Very Hard To Get My Studies On The Right Track. But You, Just Say Those Words That Makes Me Seem Hopeless. Maybe It's True.
And For Now, I Feel So Troubled And Confused Because I Really Don't Have The Confidence To Face You And Also Your Friends. I Am Really So Sorry. I No Longer Have The Strength And Courage. I Need To Try My Best To Break The Invisible Barrier. I Need To Face It. I Guess It'll Take Some Time. Till Then, I'm So Sorry.
Thought I Won't Be Blogging For A Long Time But I Did. I Need To Let Out My Thoughts, My Feelings, Only Some Of Them, Definitely Not All Or It'll Make Me Seem Pathetic. I Don't Want People To Pity Me, Only Makes Me Feel Weak When I Really Needed To Stay Strong. I Am Independent But Dependent At Times When I Feel Lost. That Leaves Me Vulnerable. But Still, I Am Who I Am, At Least For Now.
失望的感觉
再不好受
也该接受
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